An open letter....

An open letter to Francine Rivers,

Oh Francine, how I have loved you from the moment my heart read and bawled reading "Redeeming Love." It was like you looked in my life and saw the battle that I have fought. The Love that I have fought against. The Love that pursued me.

I read your 'Mark of the Lion' series, and gloried in the Love that pursued Hadassah

And I began your latest book :'A Bridge to Haven' reading how a sweet pastor found a little girl, seemingly thrown away, and took her in as his own.

And I knew what was coming.

A girl. Running away from God's love. Seeking her own pleasure.

Thinking she was not worth the Love of her Father.

And I seethed.

I have heard it all before.

Girl runs. A man loves her. And she feels God's love.

It has been so long since I've felt HIS love. Or a man's love for that matter.

I was somewhat bitter through out the reading of your book. All the while glorying in the love that your book was displaying.

I was reminded YET AGAIN of what I feel I have missed out on.

But then you had to go and post your "Note from the Author" and explain that the inspiration for your book came from Ezekiel 16.

And I wept.

And read..

Realizing that I have experienced that kind of love. All along.

And I NEEDED to be reminded. In anyway. Always.

Thank you for reminding me.

Yet again.

Sincerely,

A reader for life,

Kathy

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will deal with you as you deserve, because you have despised my oath by breaking the covenant. Yet I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you receive your sisters, both those who are older than you and those who are younger. I will give them to you as daughters, but not on the basis of my covenant with you. So I will establish my covenant with you, and you will know that I am the Lord. Then, when I make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation, declares the Sovereign Lord." Ezekiel 16 

"Letting go isn't giving up."

"Letting go isn't giving up. It's trusting God to do whatever He has to do. Remember what you know to be true…Sometimes God has to destroy in order to save. He has to wound in order to heal."
{Bridge to Haven, page 123}

This was such a fun read for me. I got lost in the story and love being able to "escape" in a good book. The quote I posted above was a favorite of mine. It was the lesson I felt God weaving in my heart throughout the week I was reading this. It brought me to tears many times as I thought about my own children growing up…making choices…running away…dating wrong people…

In theory I can say that I trust God…that I trust Him with the lives and future of my children…but would I still pray so fervently for them if they had run that far…done that much…made that many bad choices? Or would I just say, "I give up."

I pray that I will always be a faithful prayer warrior to my children, no matter what journey the Lord chooses to take them on in order to save their eternal souls.

Looking forward to the August book!

Jess

Bridge Haven and August book

I got so pulled into the book I read it in a very short amount of time and stayed up late two different nights.
I cried for my daughter as I read it and it was helpful to me as I continue to walk her through her pain of abandonment that effects us every day.  This kind of heart wound is so so deep and so painful and so tiring.
It was a beautiful story of redemption and I cried several times.  What a great reminder that God can and will redeem us.  His love can reach us no matter how far we are.  His kindness will lead us to repentance.  

Our book for August is chosen by Kathy Jacobitz.  This book is coming out as blockbuster movie this fall so it will be great to have read the book first.
Unbroken

July Book

So I loved our book for June and I love reading about true historical people of the faith.  I am inspired and challenged and so thankful.  I knew of a lot of these people but really enjoyed reading more and learning a little more.  I cried through some of them.  I also want to quote them but I can't find my book.  When I find it I may come back to write them.  Hudson Taylor!!!  and Amy my girl. Oh their love for Jesus and the word and the gospel excite me so much.

I have a fear of wasting my life and being deceived by this world and living for the things in it.  I remember before Christ in my life living for this world and how empty it is and at times in my life now I find myself off course living for the wrong thing.  It is a battle to keep our mind focused on Jesus and enjoying Him and loving Him and following Him.  But oh the fight is worth it so worth it.   May we always ask for more of Him.  May we always ask to go deeper with Him.  May we always be willing to obey Him.

JULY BOOK..... Now this one is fiction by one of my favorite authors.

Bridge to Haven
Francine Rivers

This is Donna.  I started the new book and right away had to google common causes of death in the 1600's.  I don't know if I am recommending you do the same or not.  Maybe I am... If you like history.  Maybe I am not - the details are disturbing.  I don't know how anyone made it - living, that is - in the 1600's, infant, youth or adult.  Disease. Injury. Child bearing.  I am so thankful for modern medicine right now and less labor intensive jobs for me, my husband, my children.  - Nice to hear from you Lindsey E.  I just read your post.

Better Late than never...

I've also really enjoyed reading this book and reading everyone's posts and take aways from the book! I love to bake and cook but I tend to go for the sugary and fattening recipes! So it was fun to try out some healthy recipes that I actually liked.
Disclaimer= I am a teacher- but terrible with grammar and spelling! (I teach special education- so we kind of pick and choose and skip around with our skills ha!) So I am sorry for all my errors! I also am not the best at organizing my thoughts- so I will probably just kind of ramble on and on.

I'll start with the recipes I've made so far then share a little more after. I did actually take some pictures of my recipes:

Breakfast Quinoa

On the Breakfast Quinoa- I added a little hot sauce and it made it delicious! I also made it for dinner and not breakfast. I was at Jen's once when she made it for the kids! (Petros was so sweet and even offered me a bite or two- but it was right before a workout and I didn't think I probably should ha! ) It looked good though, so I had to try it! I have to admit when I was reading about it in the book though I was quite skeptical!! I had never eaten a apple chicken sausage before! They are quite tasty! It was also very filling too.

   

Blueberry Crisp (with some frozen yogurt/ice-cream on top)

Funny story on the blueberry crisp- it is delicious... But I made it and wasn't paying full attention to the ingredients I was adding and then after I made it and was ready to put it in the oven and my mom walked into the kitchen, I asked her what that terrible smell could be and she said, "you didn't add that garlic olive oil did you?" I bought garlic olive oil and I didn't even realize it. She realized it and wondered what I was doing but didn't question me haha! I was just thinking hmmmm this healthy stuff stinks ha! I'd never cooked with almond meal before so I thought maybe it was that! So then I had to wash the blueberries- I didn't want to waste 4 cups of blueberries! So I washed them all off one by one and got rid of the garlicky crisp and started over on the topping! It tasted great- just glad I didn't eat garlicky blueberries. 

Breakfast Cookies

I made the breakfast cookies as well! They are quite good too! I am excited to have them for my mornings that I can just grab them and run out the door on my way to teach summer school! (I added a few more chocolate chips than it called for- but that is the only difference!) 

I am excited to make some more recipes in here as well! I really want to try some of the soups in the winter and try out the enchiladas! I just got back from Mexico where I obviously also got to eat a lot of really good Mexican food- so maybe in a couple weeks I'll try out the enchiladas! 

I went to Mexico on a mission trip to work in an orphanage. It was a wonderful trip and I am very thankful I got to go! I also had lots of time in the airport to read- so I finally finished the book! I am a little slow at reading choice books in the school year- so I was glad for the free time to finish the book! 

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book or things that really stuck out- I know all of you have read the book- but these are I feel like are specific to what I am currently learning: 

"What's becoming clearer and clearer to me is that the most sacred moments, the ones in which I feel God's presence most profoundly, when I feel the goodness of the world most arrestingly, take place at the table... It's not, actually, strictly, about the food for me. It's about what happens when we come together, slow down, open our homes, look into one another's faces, listen to one another's stories."

"we don't learn to love each other well in the easy moments. Anyone is good company at a cocktail party. But love is born when we misunderstand one another and make it right, when we cry in the kitchen, when we show up uninvited with magazines and granola bars, in an effort to say, I love you."

        -whenever my family-immediate or extended gets together we always end up sitting in the kitchen. We usually never sit on the comfy couch but always standing around in the kitchen or sitting at the kitchen table! I have so many beautiful memories there. I can proudly say my mom always made sure to give us a family dinner growing up around the table together. I think that is so important and many families are lacking that today! 

         -I also have so many fond and hard memories with friends around a table- whether it was a meal, coffee or sometimes a cupcake or cookie- so many memories of people coming along side of me and meeting me where I was and coming into my pain or joy and living life with me! 

"...the best is yet to come. She (her mom) teaches me through her words and her actions, that if you take the next right step, if you live a life of radical and honest prayer, if you allow yourself to be led by God's spirit, no matter how far from home and familiarity it takes you, you won't have to worry about what you want to be when you grow up. You'll be too busy living a life of passion and daring."

          -I am constantly learning the importance of prayer- what prayer should look like, being honest in my prayers, trusting God, truly repenting, asking for help every day- every hour --living by the spirit-- acknowledging God for who He is, and seeking a deep relationship with the Lord! 

"But what I found in Mexico is that being everywhere was keeping me from being anywhere, from being in any one very particular place. All of a sudden, that silence- that blessed, glorious strange silence- let me be complete in one place. I was totally there, totally in it, without feeling like my mind was divided into a thousand small splinters, spinning out all over the world, leaving nothing, but a glassy stare and twitchy fingers always reaching for my phone... how little I missed on pinterest and facebook. I think about how valuable it is to live this life in front of you, regardless of how tempting it is to press your face to the glass of other people's lives online, even though doing that is so much safer and so entirely addictive" 

         -It was funny to read this section while in Mexico when I also did not have any cell reception or access to the "real world" back home or internet or anything! It was sooo great to be fully engaged! That was one of our prayers as a group when we got to Mexico- to dive right in and be fully there- to see the orphans and caretakers through God's eyes and heart- to seek his will to be done and not go in and plan on our thoughts or ideas- but to seek him and be fully there with no distractions. It was crazy that I didn't crave to get on facebook, insta-gram, twitter or pinterest... even though here at home sometimes I get bored at a stoplight and check my news-feeds! 

"One of the themes of my life this season, as much as I hate to admit it is this: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. It's how I begin most of my emails, what I put in cards on top of birthday gifts and shower gifts that I always seem to be delivering after the fact. Better late than never, unfortunately is kind of the story of this season of life, when days feel so short and the months fly by." 

             -I never thought of myself as a late person- I consider myself a person who is on time and not late- but I have been realizing that I am actually late quite often! I am not late to work or appointments or things like that but going to church, sending cards, calling people back, meeting friends or going to ball games or whatever else may come up- I tend to usually be on the late side! Even with this- I am late writing it! I have my priorities mixed up sometimes. 

"I want you to stop running from thing to thing to thing, and to sit down at the table, to offer the people you love something humble and nourishing, like soup and bread, like a story, like a hand holding another hand while you pray. We live in a world that values us for how fast we go, for how much we accomplish, for how much life we can pack into one day. But I'm coming to believe it's in the in-between spaces that our lives change, and that the real beauty lies there." 

            -Being in Mexico and taking time off to actually be present and not have distractions really made me see where my priorities are and what needs to change! I've gone on other trips before and it is always so crazy how much you really can pack into your day because you are so intentional with your time- not packing things into your day that are irrelevant- like I do at home. The days go on forever because you get up early, have small group time, have 3 set meals a day with people around a table, serving others, having praise and worship, and then also packing in communicating and getting to know each other! It is a wonderful experience to have! We had a wonderful leader who talked to us about our experiences and how we will have SO many but we just keep going from experience to experience to experience and we don't take time to stop, reflect and see what God is teaching us- we just go, go, go... She stressed that we need to put the things that we experience into action and let it change us. So she talked about this continuous cycle that we go through  experiences----> reflection ----------> change -------------> action. She talked about how we need to look at our experiences we have and reflect on them- ask what is God teaching me about myself, others and Himself through these experiences. Then we need to take the reflections of our experiences and figure out okay what needs to change- how can I get less of me and more of Him!? Then from those changes we are seeing, thinking about talking about need action. Then we just keep going and have more experiences and it starts all over again! With all that being said I really liked this quote and thought it was fitting for a few of the things I learned on my trip. I also want to be very intentional with taking the things I learned from my trip and this book and making sure I spend time reflecting and put them into action and not just think or talk about them! (that was actually what our Sermon was on this past Sunday too... haha think God is trying to tell me something?!?!) 

That's all my ramblings for now! I'm excited for our next book :) Thanks again for doing this Jen! 

Bread and Wine and Grand Island, NE

Good morning Book Club.  It's Donna.

Hannah, Jess, Kathy, Jen - loved reading your posts.  I texted Jen after reading them and said, "I love being real with real people."

I jotted down thoughts while reading the book and while reading your posts. I, like you, love the push to keep things around the table.  Let's keep fighting for it.  My kids hear the importance of family meals at the table and have told me in so many words that I have their approval of our way of life that way.  Your kids will tell you the same thing some day.  I, like you, have had some type of eating issue.  I used food as something - not sure what - I don't know how to explain it.  I gave my life to the Lord after living a rough five years without Him.  Then I just decided to quit eating.  I had no husband and no kids so it was just me.  Maybe it was bc I gave up control of my life so God could take over but giving up control made me find something to control - so food it was. Whatever you sense you might be doing with food, just know you are not alone.  Keep fighting.  I will pray.  Keep looking and imagining and dreaming and changing things...

The notes I made while reading...I have condensed alot and who knows if this even reads well.

1)  I immediately wrote down "I woulda never picked this book!"  And I used that exclamation mark bc I loved that I really never woulda picked it and really woulda missed out had I not joined "the group"...  and I used that exclamation point also bc it's so fun to be open and willing to things I maybe would have never otherwise considered.  And it was fun to kinda get that same message from the author, too.

2)  I'm a baker's daughter and I don't know how to bake.  I can cook but I like to say I am "scared" of yeast - said it for decades - which really just means that I am scared of failing a loaf of bread - which, after reading the book, I am encouraged and I can't wait to try her bread recipe!

3)  I learned from a different niece than Jen the importance of finding your way in the kitchen -something the author talked about doing.   Once I asked my niece to cut up a watermelon or something. Later that year she told me how she had never experienced being able to cut something up how ever she wanted.  She always felt like she couldn't do it the "right" way in the kitchen no matter what it was.  Her words have always stuck with me.  

4)  "Start where you are."   I like the encouragement of the statement and also the story behind it.  The author said that in the 50's, the factories no longer had a war to think about so they needed something else to make, so they started canning up soups and boxing up cake mixes and the advertisers had the job of convincing American women that cooking was "too much work; too difficult; not worth the time learning."  It produced women who didn't know where to start in the kitchen.   I wonder what propaganda I have been exposed to and bought into...

5)  "More salt. More butter. More heat."  I am REMEMBERING this!!

6) Let's not be perfect; it's so over rated.  I have the yucky gene so I liked these reminders...

    "What people are craving isn't perfection.  People are aren't longing to be impressed.  They're longing to feel like they're at home, no matter how small, undone, odd."

   "The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved.  It's about declaring your table a safe zone." Anytime there is the word "safe", count me in.

   "...perfectly wrapped gift, perfectly bake cookies, perfectly resentful and frazzled self, ready to snap at the first family member who looks at me wrong."  I know what this looks and feels like from a family member.  It's scary and I don't like it and I know I never want to be it.

7)  "It's my job to walk him (her) quite literally, from baby to toddler to boy (girl) to man (woman)."  That makes me cry.  I have a 20 year old young man so in that sense, I have watched this statement come to fruition and I hope to see it happen two more times.  I hope you get to see it in each of your children, too.  I remember staying at home with him.  I remember staying home with two boys. Then three boys. I remember planning 3 meals and snacks a day, in and day out for 13 years as a stay at home mom.  It's hard.  I hear your posts and pain in the tedious work of feeding your family.  I know.  Sometimes it's not pretty - the meal - the attitude.  I know bc I have been there.  I got tired of meals, too.  You will find some things along the way that will work - some tricks, some reliable meals, and some reasons to keep trying - some reasons to like (or kinda like) this hard job.

Jen Stutzman, great pick of a book.  I'm looking forward to the next one.

Bread and Wine

     As I was reading the introduction to Bread and Wine, I was thinking, "This is going to be some hippie love fest with recipes thrown in; this book is trying too hard." If you know me, those thoughts won't come as a surprise. But by the time I read the second chapter, I was in love with this book. I read about one hundred fifty pages that same night. I kept saying to myself, "This woman IS me"...although, shockingly, my husband is not in a band, and I've never officiated a wedding. But I loved her for all the ways we're alike and for all the ways we're different.

     I could literally go chapter by chapter and tell how each one helped me, encouraged me, or humored me. But you all did read the book. So I'm assuming you don't need me to walk through it line by line (but that would be so fun if we were all in the same spot physically). I will share some things I found particularly relatable. 

     I have always experienced some amount of body and appetite shame. I'm starting to think body image issues must be attached to that second X chromosome because it's rare to find a woman who loves everything about her body. In any case, I don't love much about mine. But I loved what Shauna (yes, we're on a first name basis) had to say in "hungry," "feasting and fasting," "swimsuit, ready or not," and really throughout the book about body image. It is important to be healthy and to not idolize food, but it's also important to accept your body for what it is rather than hate it for what it isn't. And I love her encouragements to both be sustained by food and enjoy it. Food is a gift from God. It's main purpose is to give energy for life, but--like with so many other gifts from God--it comes with a bonus: it can be enjoyable. So, now I have three-ish times a day to feel thankful for that gift instead of shamed by it.

     I loved "delicious everywhere." I dare anyone to read that and not want to travel.

     One of the most relatable chapters for me was "enough." I had to read it out loud to Anthony, which I'm sure he just loved. I feel like I could've written every sentence, and I'm seeing as I get older that fertility issues are so heartbreakingly common. Maybe it's the food additives or the GMOs... or maybe--and I think this hits closer to home--it has been this way since God's promise to Eve that "in pain you will bring forth children." I believe that refers to more than just the pain of pregnancy and child birth...it can also mean the pain that comes from the absence of those things. But God is often so gracious to give us peace in those times, and I'm happy to say that he gave me a moment of clarity as He did with Shauna. Mine was not as poetic as hers; there were no safety goggles from a friend. But the first time I was able to feel truly happy for a pregnant friend in the midst of my own infertility--that was a real gift from Him. And I'm especially glad I got to feel that bitterness-free happiness before he gave us our miracle baby.

     Overall, this book really inspired me to just be with people. I'm really learning that a fancy meal isn't necessary, a clean house isn't necessary, quiet kids aren't necessary. I do really love it when all of those things happen at once (I think I can remember a time like that...maybe in 2011, ha), but they aren't necessary. I want more and more to have people in our home even if I feed them maybe-expired turkey sandwiches that they have to make themselves and then have them toss laundry off the couch to find a seat. I'm starting to believe (despite my upbringing) that what Shauna says is true: no one is obsessed with our failings. We are all too consumed with our own shortcomings. So get together and compare triumphs or horrors or laughable moments from the day. Try to focus on what is rather what isn't.

     I did make the bacon-wrapped dates for a shower last weekend, but I forgot to take a picture! And I also intend to make several of the other recipes. Maybe in 2017. ;)

The daily-ness of food.

Loved the book. I'm also not editing and am not a grammar scholar so bear with me :).

I don't like eating. I enjoy good food. I love sitting down, drinking, laughing, talking, appetizers and desserts and the intimacy it brings is a welcome relief to the chaos of my days. However, the daily-ness of food makes me cray-cray (like the young kids say for crazy).

My first pregnancy in 2006 was a doozy for sure. Constant nausea. Throwing up in the trash can at my desk. Eating piles of oranges just so I didn't puke. Every morning I would get up and drink a huge protein shake, full knowing by 9 a.m. it would be in the trash can. And I think that is when my dislike for eating began.

After birthing and nursing a healthy 8lb. 7oz. baby boy, I was ravenous. I would eat all day. But, inevitably after eating I would get unbearable stomach pain. I had pinned certain foods that made me feel the worst and in the end was eating entire batches of oatmeal cookies since it was the only food that didn't make me sick. When Parker was 6 months old I found myself laying on his nursery floor with a fever, severe stomach pain, and mastitis. After months of pain I finally discovered it was my gallbladder. Because of the surgery I weaned him cold-turkey (another story for another day. OUCH...like boobs up to my collar bones.) I had my gallbladder removed. I was no longer hungry because I wasn't nursing. I was scared to eat because I feared having stomach pain again.

I ate to survive and no more. 

Two years later I began puking again. So for 9 months I puked and still managed to gain 40 pounds. One month before I gave birth to my 9 lb. baby boy, Owen, my first-born, Parker, was diagnosed with severe food allergies to dairy, egg and peanut. And not like "he might get a tummy ache if he eats these foods"…like "if he eats these foods he could go into anaphylactic shock and die."

Parker and I began eating to survive.

Nursing a 9 lb. baby boy is a full.time.job. When I wasn't nursing, I was eating oatmeal cookies made without dairy, nuts or eggs.

The days of exhaustion, stress and fear of food wore on. Food was always on my mind. WHAT AM I GOING TO FEED THEM!?!?! IS IT REALLY TIME TO EAT AGAIN!??!?!? And every night I would get the boys to bed and eat LARGE bags of peanut M&M's to make up for my lack of calories from the day.

I found new recipes. We began eating plain meats, fruits and vegetables. To this day, my kids eat anything. I vividly remember walking through the grocery store with an infant car-seat and 2-year-old in the basket crying and screaming "Why can't we buy brussel sprouts? You never buy me brussel sprouts." Yep. People looked at me like I was cray-cray (see definition above.)

Food was a means to an end.

In 2012 God saw fit to give me the daughter I never knew I always wanted, Olivia Kate. After 7 months of puking she came 2 months early, weighing 3lb. 14 oz. due to maternal complications with severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She was fine. I was not. (Another story for another day. Think - emergency surgery, abdominal hematoma, 3 units of blood and blood pressures varying from 220/190 and 20/60)

After 10 days in the hospital, I came home with a hemoglobin of 6.5. My husband, Sean, would feed me handfuls of spinach and Ensure. Because Olivia couldn't tolerate my breast milk I was cutting EVERYTHING out of my diet. First no dairy. Then no soy. I ate raisin bran with almond milk and bananas. I drank Non-dairy Ensure shakes. And I ate handfuls of spinach.

There is no joy in eating handfuls of spinach. Food was fuel for my ailing body and nothing more.

After 8 weeks in the hospital, Olivia Kate came home to her 2 (hungry) big brothers. And so began the jigsaw puzzle of feeding my family.

I loved this book because it allowed me to think about my relationship with food. It forced me to stare down the enemy and say "NO MORE!" I will not be a slave to my fear of food. I refuse to allow Satan to steal the joy from my family gathering around the dinner table and eating food that feeds not only our bodies but souls.

The morning after I began reading this book, my son Owen woke me up. The first thing he asked me, "What are we having for supper tonight, Mom?" And I thought, "I don't know, but something GOOD!" And I made their favorite smoked salmon, asparagus, and couscous with extra mushrooms (just how they like it) and a big fruit salad…And it was wonderful. And we prayed, talked, laughed, asked questions, yelled, whined, and spilled. And as I was sweeping and vacuuming up a MILLION pieces of couscous that seemed to miss their mouths, I cried.

I cried for giving Satan victory without even seeing it. I cried for the days of hurrying through meals because it was just to survive. And I cried out to God to redeem what had been lost. And I yelled at Satan, and I felt like Joseph in Genesis 50:20 when he says to his brothers, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

And I know God will. I just know it. Because, my friends, that is who He is.

And here is a sweet picture of my "eat-anything-constantly-hungry-growing-an-inch-a-night" children who LOVE to eat.

Please pray for me...that God will strengthen my feeble heart and give me the selfless desire to serve my family in a way that is so foreign and uncomfortable to me.

All glory to God, Jess

New Food issues

So I will make this short and sweet.  I loved this book and enjoyed the entire thing.  It was an easy read and I tried several recipes.

Since our adoption I have been so overwhelmed with life I have not entertained people in my home like I used to.  This book really encouraged me to step out and start doing it more, and find a love for trying new recipes and making them my own.

My sweet Adanech has really bad food anxiety so every meal, morning, noon and night is filled with anxiety.  She stares at me all the time and as the years have gone by I have grown more and more weary of it all.  She always wants more and would eat until vomiting every meal if I let her.  She counts her food and everyones food and worries about it and cries about it and when she hears me in the kitchen she has to be where she can watch me.   It is so tiring and I do not enjoy meals ever in her presence.  So I now have an eating disorder I believe.  As I watch her love her food too much, I hate mine.  I will not eat just so she doesn't stare at me.  With that said I am not ok with that and I am working on eating three meals.  I am having all kinds of health issues right now and more then ever I need to be having good eating habits.  Pray for me ladies!!  I want to teach Addie how to have a healthy relationship with food.  And don't worry by not eat I mean I don't eat while she is around and then eat by myself.  I eat plenty just not a healthy relationship with it all.

Ok now for the pictures of the food I tried.

Gaia Cookies pg.210  Love love them!!  I used blueberry craisins and gluten free flour and they were wonderful.  Everything else I used same to recipe.  Yum so good in the fridge.

 Breakfast Quinoa pg. 72  I love this so much!!  I have made it several times and it will become a regular for me.  

Annette's Enchiladas pg. 143  Loved this and it was better the next day.  I will make it again but add more corn tortillas to add more substance.

Nigella's Flourless Chocolate Brownies.  Yum so good and so rich.

I will be making many more of the recipes and cannot wait!!

Ok so our book for June is short but I think it will be great.

10 people every Christian should know.

Embracing the Bread and the Wine....Love, Rest, and Grace.

Let me start off by saying I am not planning on editing this.. I hope you don't grimace too much when you read. I don't want to go back and change what I really mean. Thank you for indulging me.

I love to cook.

It happened by accident really. My grandmother had Alzheimer's disease and lived with us a for a season of my childhood my mother spend many evening with her. When she was hospitalized my mother spent her evenings there, with her. While my dad and brother would have been fine fending for themselves those evenings, I enjoyed the time and space in a kitchen trying to figure out how to feed people. Little did I know those moments stolen in the kitchen were a foreshadowing, a dry run, of the life of feeding a family of six I would eventually lead. Once my grandmother passed, I was soon shooed out of the kitchen. As my mother and I did not have a mentor/mentee  relationship. The kitchen was her domain. I fell back in line.

Fast forward to marriage, moving to a farm, and 4 kiddos in 5 years, and I was a quick study in cooking. I really learned to love it. I love feeding people. I love trying new things, different cultural foods and a myriad a spices. But the hardest part? Sitting down to eat with people.

In Shauna Niequest's book, "Bread and Wine," she hit the nail on the head when she expressed that:

"Both the church and modern life, together and separately, have wandered away from the table.....modern life has pushed us into faux food and fast food and highly engineered food products cased in sterile packages that we eat in the car or on the subway-as though we're astronauts, as though we cannot be bothered by a meal."

What hit me right between the eyes when reading that was that eating with others is intimate and beautiful. And that intimacy is something we avoid. Something I like to avoid.

I have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. There's not really a category for it, just messed up, marked by food anxiety and feeling of unworthiness that correlates to food and eating in front of people. {Weird.} 

I fear the intimacy that the table brings.

I love cooking for others.

I love being an isolated astronaut.

But I do want to practice that intimacy.

Learn how to be intimate.

At the table.

As as Niequest mentioned, food connects us with memories. Comfort at it's best. It connects with people; their stories, their hearts and their journeys. It's time well invested. 

She hit the nail on the head when she talked about dealing with our own insecurities in the "Magical White Bean Soup" chapter:

"Either I can be here, fully here, my imperfect, messy, tired but wholly present self or I can miss it-this moment, this conversation, this time around the table, whatever it is-because I'm trying, and failing, to be perfect, keep the house perfect, make the meal perfect....Let's be courageous in these days. Let's choose love and rest and grace. Let's use the minutes and hours to create memories with the people we love instead of dragging them on one more errand or shushing them while we accomplish one more....thing."

That has become my prayer, that I am fully there, at the table. Love, rest and grace. 

I loved this book with a million kinds of puffy hearts. I only tried a couple of the recipes but I hope to try more. This book has pushed, encouraged and compelled me to make my table more intimate, a place where joy, tears and life happen. 

Love, rest and grace. 

****

Looking forward to your thoughts ladies.

Good pick Jen! 

Bread and Wine

Ladies!!!  I did start the book early due to the adoption summit next month.  I wanted to make sure to complete it and I don't think it will be a problem because I am loving it!!!

I am going to list the ladies participating this month and I would love it if in the comment section you guys would tell a little about yourself.

Kathy Jacobitz- (first to sign up) Coming to us from Stella, Nebraska.  We met through my husband, Jake.  Kathy and Jake were friends growing up, lots of fun stories there.  Now is one of my dearest.

Hannah Mathenia- Christiansburg, Virginia.  We met in the south while I was living in Alabama.  Hannah and her husband Anthony came with us to Ethiopia when we adopted our children.  Friends forever.

Michelle Shaugnessy- Omaha, NE.  We met in bible study last year and now we attend the same church.  Sweet, sweet new friend.

Donna Gustafson-  Grand Island, NE.  My cool aunt that I have looked up to my entire life.  No one meets Donna and doesn't love her.

Kristin Hruska- Omaha, NE.  Kristin and I also met in bible study last year and she is a firecracker and I love her for it.  We also attend the same church here.

Rhiannon Rexilius- Lincoln, NE.  I met Rhi through my family in Hastings.  We hit it off right away and will forever be close.

Cara Meyer- Minneapolis, MN.  Cara and I met while adopting from the same orphanage in Ethiopia and we are forever connected through laughs and tears and the journey we are on.  Our actual first face to face meeting was in Ethiopia.

Jess Ablott- Hastings, NE.  Jess and I have known each other since swimming, tennis and golf at Lochland as young girls.  We then went on to do many things together growing up and learning to walk with the Lord together.  A lot of history with us.

Amy Schlatz- Omaha, NE.  Amy is the angel that has been tutoring my kids the last two years and also a dear friend.

Katie Brown- Toronto, Canada.  We met when we drove to Canada for Marya to meet her favorite Canadian TV star from Heartland.  Katie ran the competition Marya entered and we loved her from Hello.  We hit it off so well Katie is visiting us now and I am planning another trip to Canada.

Lindsey Etzelmiller- Lindsey was in my high school girls bible study years ago and we have been in bible studies together as adults.  She babysits my kids and is crazy lovable.  She also comes over works out with me we get our sweat on together.

So that is how I know you all and I would love love for you in your own words tell us more about you.

I will be sending you an invite to be an author on this blog and it is totally up to you whether you want to post or not.  Also you can subscribe to the blog so you get emails when there is new info on it.  I will tell you thought I want to hear from you girls.  I can't wait to hear what you are thinking of this book.

Welcome to the Candlelight Collective

I am so excited about this book club!!!  People are able to commit month by month. Yet there will be some of us that will read every month.  My hope is for some of us to write on here every month and we will all comment and just discuss right here.  Or if you live by some one doing it you can get together to discuss. The new book will be announced at least a week before the the month we will read it so we all have time to purchase it.  I can't wait for this accountability!!

Here are a couple articles to get you excited to stretch your mind and get to reading.

http://www.fastcompany.com/3026923/how-busy-people-make-time-to-read-and-you-can-too?partner

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/serious-reading-takes-a-hit-from-online-scanning-and-skimming-researchers-say/2014/04/06/088028d2-b5d2-11e3-b899-20667de76985_story.html

And now the big reveal for our book for the month of May.....

Bread and Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table and Recipes.

http://www.amazon.com/Bread-Wine-Letter-Around-Recipes/dp/0310328179/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397434627&sr=8-1&keywords=Bread+and+Wine

Also since this book is full of recipes I am hoping some of us try them out and post some pictures of our work.  But no pressure if it is not your thing.